Friday, January 31, 2014

Why I'm not returning to Zambia this year

One question I have heard a lot this year is....are you going back to Zambia this year?


Followed by why not?

Well that's where the question gets hard. My short answer is I don't really know why. 
I really wish I had a better answer but I don't.

When I first started thinking about returning to Zambia this year I had a plan for my family and that was that we would be expanding our family.  So I would take a year off of going to Zambia.  My plan wasn't going exactly how I planned it but when the directors of Nurses for Africa asked if I wanted to lead again this year I asked for a deadline for an answer. I wanted to pray about it and really I tried to bargain with God. 
So ok my deadline mid October....while talking to God I said ok God if I'm pregnant I obviously don't go if I'm not pregnant by then I go. So I spent a lot of time in prayer and I had a little nudge from God I needed to make a decision.  Pregnant or not pregnant my decision to return could not be based on a pregnancy.  I knew I wasn't supposed to return this year so with that I called and let one of the directors know I would not be going back this year but I really want to return some day. It wasn't an easy decision but I felt a huge sense of peace and knew it was the right decision. 

Then the very next day I found out I was pregnant.  Which just confirmed my decision that this is what God wanted, this was God's plan. 4 weeks later I ended up in extreme pain doubled over and being rushed to the doctor to confirm that my pregnancy was ectopic and that I needed surgery that day to remove the child I was carrying inside me. Ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis and our child did not have a heartbeat. 
November and December was a mess of emotions. I had a lot of Anger, I had a lot of why God's, and a lot of tears. My plan was ruined, I had a plan! So then it was well am I supposed to go back to Zambia?  I mean now I really have no reason not to return but even in my anger and emotions I heard God. "Your decision was not made based on a pregnancy it was based on my plan for your life"

And here I am January has brought a lot of peace and I know God has a plan for our lives and a reason I'm not returning to Zambia. So I wait,  wait for God's plan which I have faith will be so much better then mine!!

This isn't an easy post to write and some people might feel like I'm crazy for sharing too much information I'm a pretty open person so ask questions if you want:).  But I really felt like God's was there watching over me during this time and by sharing this it might help someone else have the same peace I have knowing God is always there even in the hard times.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord.