Most of the time I try to keep this blog pretty positive. I really use the blog more as a story of my life that I hope I can keep and show the girls some day. I try to blog about the happy things so that when things aren't always so happy I can come back here and look at the happy things and be reminded of how blessed I am.
But today I'm going to confess, Our lives are not perfect and here are some things that really frustrate me about life right now.
1. My house is a disaster!! It's a chaotic unorganized mess right now. People tell me all the time, don't worry about your house, a messy house shows that the kids are playing and are happy right?? The food on the floor, it shows that I fed them and there tummys should be full right?? And the books scattered throughout the living room shows that they've been enjoying reading today right??
What I see is this......... an anxiety attack of why can't I control this mess? Why aren't my kids well enough behaved that when they are done with something that they put it away? And a sense of feeling like I am not able to control anything in my life right now.
Honestly I feel like a better wife, mommy, and woman when our house is clean and we have a schedule!!
2. I Love my job, HATE THE HOURS!! While I love that Brandon and I are able to coordinate our schedules so the girls are only in daycare for maybe 5-10 hours a week there are times that it stresses me out. My "schedule" is so varied from day to day, and the only thing I know is that I work every 3rd weekend and what holidays I work for the year (I won't even go in to detail how working the weekend and holidays stresses me out). Otherwise it is just maybe I work Tuesday maybe I work Thursday, maybe it is a 8 hour shift, or a 4 or a 12. The hours might start at noon or not until 7 pm.
And I wonder sometimes if my schedule stresses me out, what kind of toll is it taking on the girls?? Sometimes I even wonder if would just be better if I worked a normal day job 8-5 and they were in daycare with a stable schedule?
3. It really bothers me that Teagan still sucks her thumb at age 4. Now I have to admit I really haven't done much to try and stop her. I remember still sucking my thumb at age 9!! Yikes
4. Teagan can be found in our bed most mornings. Secretly when I work overnights the one thing I enjoy is having the whole bed to myself :) Now I'm not only sharing my bed with one other person but sometimes 2, or 3, it drives me crazy!! But yet I enjoy my sleep so much I have no motivation to try to correct this in the middle of the night
5. I hate paying bills, and I hate being on a budget. Mostly because I fail every time when we are on a budget and it makes me again just feel out of control and like a total failure.
6. Harper still has some pretty terrible temper tantrums and I don't always know when they are going to happen, but then she is so funny and cute there are times I have trouble not just laughing when I'm suppose to be disciplining.
7. I look out the window and I see the fields out back, and I dream about living back at the beach. I only spent a short 6 months living in West Palm Beach. But I miss it!! I miss the ocean, I miss the heat, and sunshine. Although I know this is a positive to not living there...............I MISS THE SHOPPING!! Sorry but Waterloo/Cedar Falls lacks a good mall.
Back to my last post though, my husband loves me a lot but I don't see us moving to the beach anytime soon , haha :) I also would miss our family and friends.
8. My kids they don't come when I tell them its time to leave somewhere and in fact most of the times they go running the opposite way!
9. I hate Snow boots, coats, mittens, hats, socks, all the things that make getting out the door even more complicated.
10. And the biggest thing I hate that I fear parenting some days. I fear that the girls might make some of the same stupid mistakes I made. I don't want them to ever have to suffer some of the pain and hurt that I had, I hope that something I do or say will protect them from feeling hurt. I know its not possible, I know that the mistakes I made, the hurt I felt makes me who I am today and that they will make their own mistakes, have their own hurt, and I hope they can find the good in it and be better women for it. But don't all Moms wish they could protect them from that??!!
Anyways instead of sitting here complaining about my messy house I better go do some laundry! Being a mom is a challenge, being a wife is a challenge, but I'm up for the challenge.